Hopes for 2012, Revisited

I've been slayed for the past few days by a sinus infection that grew (pun intended) out of a prolonged cold. Yesterday I joined half the town at Urgent Care and came home with antibiotics and some heavy duty cough syrup. My body is SO not used to narcotics so I slept quite well last night, and pretty much all day today...let's just say no more codeine for me, or at least not the full dosage. Normally I would have carved out some time today to look back over my goals from 2012 and make some new ones for 2013, and I'm still a little woozy, so this may turn into a January 2nd exercise. Here's my list from 2012:

• Become a foster parent, and who knows? maybe adopt. But probably not so soon. But maybe. How exciting that this actually happened!!! And we will, most likely, be finalizing an adoption before the year is half over. Wow, just wow.
• Learn to use more of the features on my camera, also, invest in a good lense. This one didn't happen; not even a little bit. I blame Ricky, because he bought me an iPad. It's so easy to just pick up a phone or tablet to take photos or video these days. So, this goal fell to the back burner. I did use my SLR quite a bit for photo shoots of the littles and such, but really didn't spend any time, energy or money (aside from replacing a lost lens cap) on learning new things about photography.
• Get brave and try skiing again. I had a bad fall and injury a few years back, and I've been too nervous to try again. But I really, really want the kids to learn, so we're going to go. This one didn't happen either, simply because we didn't make it a priority to go. Ricky and my younger brothers are actually going tomorrow, and I had intended to go too before this infection set in. However, we've made tentative plans to go later this month or in February with our small group. So, this one gets moved to 2013 :)
• Start reading chapter books with Nicky (oh, I am so excited for this!) Yes! I loved it and plan to keep doing it. I also formed the habit of reading to Silas before his mid-day nap and I really look forward to that time with him. 
• Pay off student loans. Partially accomplished. I paid off one entirely, one is nearly paid off, and one more remains after that.  Ever since Little Miss came to live with us I've been putting money aside toward a new vehicle (we are super crammed with three car-seats in the back at present), so that kind of took over the loan payments I was making in big chunks before. Need to make a more specific plan.  
• Keep up a good work/life balance This was successful. I switched between 1-2 shifts per week, depending on what was happening at home. This has been a tricky area for me. Honestly, if I thought I could handle being a stay-at-home-mom full time, I would love to do that for a season. But I've found I really need those few days away to remind me why I like being at home, and also just to use different skills. I would love to move toward more specific nursing practice this year, building on some groundwork I was able to lay this past year. 
• Read a book a month (open to suggestions) Done! I read:

There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis

Naked Sprirituality by Brian McLaren

Grace, Eventually by Anne Lamott

A Year of Biblical Womanhood:How a Liberated Woman Found Herself Sitting On Her Roof, Covering Her Head, and Calling Her Husband "Master" by Rachel Held Evans

Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner

Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected by Kelle Hampton

Heaven is Here: An Incredible Story of Hope, Triumph and Everyday Joy by Stephanie Nielson

Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays vs. Christians Debate by Justin Lee

The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up and Burnt out by Brennan Manning

Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers by Anne Lamott

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

• make a quilt out of the boys' worn out clothes, and other fabric scraps I have lying around Halfway done. I pieced the quilt top and bought all the materials for putting the layers together, and then lost my motivation...honestly the hard part is done. I just need to spend some evenings quilting the layers together with a good movie. Sounds nice.
• be more intentional about spending time with friends The first half of the year, we did a good job with this. After Little Miss came, we really struggled to find time and energy to seek out social interaction. I think that's normal after "having" a baby, and I'm so grateful for the friends who sought us out! Now that we're back in a reasonable routine, hopefully we can get back on track. Ideally, I'd love to have one evening a week set apart for spending time with friends.
• learn to make artisan bread This one was kind of random, and sadly did not happen. Kitchen time is pretty pragmatic these days!
• cultivate the habit of un-distracted listening I think Nicky gives me lots of practice with this one! That boy can talk. One of the challenges of parenting is giving your undivided attention, it seems. I didn't always do it well, but it was certainly a focus this year. Something to continue working on.
• and finally, my word for 2012: generous. As I wrote in my 2012: Year in Review post, I do see many examples of generosity, big and small, when I look back on the year, but I don't feel it's the most defining word for the year. It does seem that every day, on some level, we're presented with the choice to be selfish or generous, and as I've learned so many times, when you try desperately to keep something for yourself, you find no joy in it. This is an ongoing lesson. So I hope to choose generosity, as a habit, as well as bravery.

As expected, it's now January 2 and I'm feeling much more human. On to 2013!!

2012 in Review

roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine

together we can see what we will find

                            -Mumford and Sons

Here are some of my favorite moments and words from 2012.

In January, I pondered the mysterious nature of joy, we started the homestudy process for foster adoption, and I spent precious time with my fishbaby. Nicky broke his arm, Silas got pretty good at walking, and I gave myself permission to give up sometimes, which turned out to be a pretty healthy habit.

In February, I captured a moment with Ricky, spent a beautiful evening with my family and gave thanks for it, and thought about Christianity; about who's in and who's out. We continued being studied.

In March, Spring came, and I was reminded once again that everything is spiritual. I caught a fresh glimpse of God's heart and found hope.

In April I turned 29, and listed some gifts. I got my first tattoo, and we officially became foster parents. I celebrated the capability of mothers, as part of the Mother Letters project.

Nicky graduated from kindergarten in May,  and I thought about what a cool kid he is. We took care of a sweet little girl for a long weekend, our first foster placement. I wrote out the process of spiritual deconstruction and rebuilding. It was pretty emotionally exhausting to sift through it all, but at the end I found some clarity.

In June, I craved quiet and stillness in the midst of kid-chaos, but found I had what I needed. Our world changed when Little Miss came to live with us, just a tiny wisp at six weeks old. 

July was a bit of a blur. We adjusted (sort of) to having three littles in the house, and to all the extra appointments and visits on our calendar.

In August, I wondered how to be a Christian in light of intense, disappointing culture wars, we took a family vacation, and Nicky started first grade at a new school.

In September I gave myself a pep-talk. We celebrated Nicky's sixth birthday with friends and family.

In October, Little Miss laughed, Ricky and I went to San Diego by ourselves for three days and celebrated seven years of marriage, and I wrote about keeping up with therapy for Little Miss.

In November, Little Miss turned six months old. I thought about the humanity in the Bible. We celebrated Silas' second birthday with a fun, cozy brunch.

And finally, December! We put up Christmas decorations, and I practiced the art of letting go. I followed some more bread crumbs, dreamed of being a mystic, and wrote a manifesto of sorts, and gave thanks for our precious gifts.

At the beginning of 2012, I wrote that I wanted my word for the year to be Generous, but looking back, Brave seems more appropriate. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but I spoke out more, questioned more, and took chances, not just for the sake of these things but in hopes of real change. Of course, progress isn't linear and I had to revisit plenty of familiar things (and probably will some more), but I do believe a good kind of stubbornness has taken root in me. The kind that says "this is not okay" and works to make things better. The kind that quits the victim mentality and starts living out dreams. I can only take it as a gift. Also, Ricky and I have the best marriage we've ever had. We've learned to be on the same team, how to support each other and cheer each other on. Things are not always perfect, but I think that learning to parent three (three!) children has truly made us a team, at least in part because it's been so challenging that neither of us could do it on our own.

I'm closing out this year feeling so grateful, and thinking about what lies ahead. 2013 will likely be a year of big changes (we hope so), and I'm debating making some changes to this blog as well. We shall see.

Happy New Year to you! May you tear down and build up; may you find peace; may your dreams come true in their due time; may you see God's heart and be filled with hope, over and over again.

lessons learned in 2011

One little bug is in bed, the other is watching soccer futbol in Spanish on the tele, by request. I have a gingerbread cake in the oven, the last hurrah of the holiday baking before we chill with the sugar and white flour for a while. Gearing up to work the next two days, so soon it will be a shower and bed for me as well.

these guys spent at least an hour in the tub tonight

I still get excited for a new year,with all its potential and clean slate-ness. I love doing the resolution thing, even though of course they don't all happen. I have some hopes for 2012, for sure (finalizing my list then I'll post it). But right now I want to be sure I spend some time looking back before we leave 2011 behind. I think the most important things I learned this year pertain to mothering, because really that's what I spent the majority of my time doing. Here are a few that stand out to me:

• they really do grow up fast, so sit still and just take it all in
• take notice of the little things; they are really the big things
• practicing intentional gratefulness is like working out-seems just as easy the first few times, but is just as hard to keep up consistently, and offers noticeable rewards
• listen for the whispers; they are there
• there is always time to slow down and laugh with my kids
• follow the bread crumbs and be honest about hard, scary things; it's the only way forward
• dream, and act.

I think grateful has been my word of the year. It's been such a focus and really changed some everyday things for me. In that spirit, I want to close out the year with giving thanks for the enormous gifts I'm surrounded by.

• Enough-enough food, enough water, enough heat, enough clothes, enough oxygen, enough transportation, enough for each day. Daily bread. 
• Words. Bloggers/writers, new and familiar, who inspire and educate me.
• My husband who is real and vulnerable and sturdy. 
• My children who need and who provide, so much of both.
• Community, shared tables, laughing at all the littles, telling stories, being blessed, giving hugs and promising to do it more often.

Happy New Year! I would love to hear what you learned in 2011.

2010 In Review!

OK, so I know you're supposed to do this sort of thing at the end of the year, not the beginning of the next. But....since I neglected this blog so much this past year, and since it was such an eventful year, I really do need to highlight some things.

So, without further ado, this was 2010:

January was a pretty quiet month. I studied copiously for my NCLEX, the exam for RN licensure, having just graduated from nursing school. I about drove myself crazy with my study books. I interviewed for a job and was offered the position, provided that I pass my boards. My first "real" job interview! I was so nervous, but my interviewer (now my boss) is a very nice guy who set me at ease, as much as possible anyway. Nicky went to preschool pretty regularly. Our new house was being built, and we were makin' plans to move in.

In February I took and passed the NCLEX. We closed on our first home. We moved in with the help of very kind friends. I prepared to start my first job. And...after months of dreaming about a new baby, we finally conceived. We didn't know it yet, of course.

I began my job orientation in March, training on the telemetry floor, working nights. Sadly, Ricky's aunt passed away this month. She had been battling cancer for years, and it was bittersweet as these things are. She was a very special person; warm, funny and welcoming. We drove out to central Texas for the funeral. Near the end of the month, a home pregnancy test gave us some happy news. We planted our first garden in the backyard. Ricky had researched soil, raised beds vs. sunken beds, and he did the majority of the work in preparing the ground.

In April, I turned 27. I spent nearly the entire day in bed, right in the thick of morning sickness. Working nights proved to be helpful with this, and I'm happy to report that the first trimester passed much more easily this time around.

May brought the summer desert heat, Mother's Day and the end of morning sickness.

In June we enjoyed our garden as it grew quickly, did lots of projects around the house and found out we were having another boy! Nicky started referring to himself as a big brother. I finished my orientation and started working as an RN solo (well sort of, all the while asking many questions, which I intend to do for a long time).

In July we had a 4th of July party at our house, reaped a (sometimes overly) bountiful harvest from the garden, yay!

Ricky and I took off on a little adults only vacay! It seemed a good idea before becoming parents of two.

Nicky went off on his own adventure to Grandma's house.

I missed him so much, but it was nice to have some time alone with my honey. We drove to LA and spent a night with Ricky's cousins, then meandered up the Pacific Coast Highway, up to San Francisco, where we did all the usual touristy things and caught a performance of Wicked. We headed back through Sequoia National Park, Flagstaff AZ and finally to Albuquerque where we  stayed with some friends and saw Over the Rhine live.

In August we got back to work and settled into a regular routine again.


September brought Ricky and Nicky birthdays, about a week apart. Ricky caught up to me and turned 27. Nicky was so excited, and would wake up every morning exclaiming "I'm four"! He received his first bike and his first fishing pole in the same day.

In October Ricky and I celebrated our five year anniversary by going to another wedding. Really! We kept hoping to plan a little something before the baby came, but it was just a jam-packed month. That's okay though, we're pretty simple when it comes to these things anyway. Every happy day is a celebration, I say. I really do love October. Some more highlights: the pumpkin patch and the annual Harvest Party put on by our church. This year we didn't help with it since I was so hugely pregnant, so we just went and enjoyed taking Nicky around to all the booths. There is so much love put into this event. It's inspiring to me. I worked my very last day on October 31st, then breathed a huge sigh of relief to have 11 weeks off for maternity leave. Those last few weeks were a little rough (you know you look tired when a patient says "You look like you belong in this bed, not me!" Ahem.)

Our friends threw us a baby shower, complete with a pumpkin cake, make your own sushi station and onesie decorating. We also did a photo shoot with a very talented friend, who captured beautiful shots we'll always treasure.

In November I nested away; washing everything, setting up the nursery, and getting lots of rest. I started pre-schooling Nicky at home. And of course, Silas made his debut on the 20th, just one day before his due date. My mom stayed for three days after he was born. Our first outing was to Ita's house an hour away for Thanksgiving Day. Ricky and I just stayed for the day, but Nicky stayed for two nights and had a blast going to the zoo and playing with a cousin. We had a few more days to rest and snuggle with Silas, and then Ricky's family came over a few days later with lots of food for a second gathering. The following week we had meals delivered each night by different friends from our church.  Ricky was home for a solid two weeks, some days working from home and taking some days off.


In December we took a spontaneous trip, saw some good friends and picked up our new basset hound puppy, Penelope.

The month passed quickly, Silas grew, and we settled into being a family of four (five!). We spent Christmas with my Mom and brother this year. Nicky truly anticipated the holiday for the first time this year and it was fun experiencing that with him.

And now....a new year awaits! On to 2011.