Monday, April 30, 2012

here.

I am ignoring a clean dishwasher that needs to be unloaded, a sink full of dirty dishes, and sticky countertops. It is naptime. I didn't write at all last week, and by yesterday I was bursting at the seams. Not in a good way either. Sometimes I just don't have much to say, but that was not the case last week. I had so much to say but so much tiredness too and an endlessly needy little guy. Good ideas come and then float away while I'm busy with life, and the end of the day comes and all that's left is blankness, the need for a hot shower, cold water to drink, and a bit of nothing for a while.

But if I don't write something, express something, make something--the day feels somewhat empty, and I just don't feel right. I'm thinking I need to carve out some space in the early morning, a few days a week, before little bodies are awake and hungry, to write and pray and think.

I got my tattoo. It's all healed up and I love how it turned out. It says "His eye is on the sparrow." The truest and most needful thing I could think of to inscribe onto myself.



Even though I was dying for some time to write/express/whatever, I was calmer. I intentionally spoke gently to my kids in the morning rush around and I took time to breathe. I have a print in my kitchen that says "hush, be still" and I look at it while I do the same things over and over each day; I think it's getting into my soul, finally. Yesterday morning I was reading Brian McLaren's book Naked Spirituality and did a little meditation on the word here. It was so beautiful and helpful, really. I am here, God is here. Wherever I go after this moment, whatever chaos ensues or doesn't, I am here and God is here. That was the gist of it, and it was a flashlight to my dark hiking trail for sure.

But. In the afternoon I totally blew it, got angry, lost all that calm I had been working toward. I had some rough news and hit my tipping point I suppose. I wanted to run away before an old familiar hurt could catch us again. I feel scared and sad and so, so vulnerable right now. I'm realizing just how much fear I've been harboring, and it's not going to be a picnic dealing with it. But I think I'm going to anyway. Vaguest paragraph ever, I know. Just need to get what I can down, for now.

So I'm back to it, today. I am here, God is here. Everything will be okay, chaos or not.

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