But if I don't write something, express something, make something--the day feels somewhat empty, and I just don't feel right. I'm thinking I need to carve out some space in the early morning, a few days a week, before little bodies are awake and hungry, to write and pray and think.
I got my tattoo. It's all healed up and I love how it turned out. It says "His eye is on the sparrow." The truest and most needful thing I could think of to inscribe onto myself.
Even though I was dying for some time to write/express/whatever, I was calmer. I intentionally spoke gently to my kids in the morning rush around and I took time to breathe. I have a print in my kitchen that says "hush, be still" and I look at it while I do the same things over and over each day; I think it's getting into my soul, finally. Yesterday morning I was reading Brian McLaren's book Naked Spirituality and did a little meditation on the word here. It was so beautiful and helpful, really. I am here, God is here. Wherever I go after this moment, whatever chaos ensues or doesn't, I am here and God is here. That was the gist of it, and it was a flashlight to my dark hiking trail for sure.
But. In the afternoon I totally blew it, got angry, lost all that calm I had been working toward. I had some rough news and hit my tipping point I suppose. I wanted to run away before an old familiar hurt could catch us again. I feel scared and sad and so, so vulnerable right now. I'm realizing just how much fear I've been harboring, and it's not going to be a picnic dealing with it. But I think I'm going to anyway. Vaguest paragraph ever, I know. Just need to get what I can down, for now.
So I'm back to it, today. I am here, God is here. Everything will be okay, chaos or not.