an announcement

Today I'm happy, and a little nervous, to announce something I've been working on in my spare hours: a new blog! Since I started writing here in 2009, sometimes skipping months in between and sometimes pouring out multiple posts in a day, I've found a bit of my voice, as well as an affection and a craving for writing about faith, doubt, spiritual seasons, and other fascinations. I've used this space to document precious family memories as well. For over a year, I've entertained the idea of creating a separate space that's more defined, where I can really focus writing out my faith, and having a bit more time on my hands lately has given me the opportunity to work on it. And so, at long last A Feast of Crumbs is born. 

If you'd be so kind, please click over, read the About page and let me know what you think! 

I plan to keep two separate blogs, but I imagine the topics will overlap. It's all spiritual, of course, but Noting Now will be where I mainly archive family happenings and updates, and A Feast of Crumbs will focus more on topics of faith and whatever else I'm itching to write about.

{This also makes it possible to make Noting Now private in the future, as the kids get older, if I see the need to do so.}

For most of my life, I've been scribbling in journals and tapping out ideas onto screens, working out my salvation. And so this beautiful community (online and elsewhere) of people with questions and ideas about God and how we relate to Him, what's happening in American Christianity as well as worldwide, church culture, and so much more: it feels like home. 

I've been blessed time and time again to stumble onto words that gave life to my tired spirit, and that blessing in turn directed my gaze to God. And so, if there's even the slightest chance that my words could do the same for someone else, then I want to pursue that chance. I've been feeling nudged, you know?

Thank you so much for reading here, and I hope to see you at the other blog too. Having a space to write it all out, document the journey, and gain clarity means so much to me, as does your presence.

slopes

This past weekend we surprised Nicky with an overnight ski trip. We've really been wanting to take him, and both of us had the weekend off.  We made arrangements for Silas and Little Miss, and picked up Nicky from school on Friday with the news. At first, he was a little bummed about "the babies" not coming along, but I think we convinced him of the logic of not taking them along. (I think.)

I confess I had some selfish motivations for this trip. I haven't been on skis since taking a nasty spill and fracturing my tibial plateau (top of the tibia) three years ago. I definitely had/have some fear and trepidation about the whole business. Taking Nicky turned out to be a good way to ski a little and face a pretty major fear while keeping things light on the easy slopes. 

I can't explain why exactly, because I'm perfectly fine being afraid of or just not doing some things 

(skydiving, rock-climbing, running a marathon, attempting to knit again) but I really want to ski. I 

want to have something our family can go and do all together, especially as the kiddos get older (even if they don't want to be seen with their nerdy parents).

It's an obvious metaphor of course, but this really is how I want to live my life.  I want to figure out which things matter to me and face the fear, rational or otherwise, that would keep me from doing them.

So, we did it. I took it super easy, and the lifts still freak me out (I have a slightly irrational moment of sheer terror every time I have to get off of one, and have to give myself little pep talks. I think I might have actually said out loud "You'll be fine. Just lean forward and do your pizza," to myself at least once. Ha!) Nicky, however, sailed right through. He spent a few hours learning the basic balance stuff without poles, and got the hang of it much faster than we expected. I can really see the value of learning these types of things as a child. Oh, and being the oh-so-humble child he is, he pronounced himself a better skier than me about halfway through the day....this was after I gushed about how fast he was learning, and how much longer it had taken me to learn. This boy....

Toward the end of the day, we rode the gondola up to the top of the mountain. I loved seeing the less populated parts of the mountain, where it's quiet and foggy, and you just hear the sound of people's skis and snowboards in the snow. At the bottom, where so many people are learning, there's loud music playing and people falling everywhere, and you can sort of feel the anxiety in the air. Up at the top, it just feels peaceful. I got a small sense of the joy of skiing before I hurt myself. I crave that feeling again; that simple joy.

Nicky was predictably exhausted by the late afternoon. I'm so happy it was a fun experience for him, and I'm glad I stared down the fear monster.  I still have some work to do in that department, but this was a huge first step.

and now, 2013

The holidays lingered through today. My younger brothers packed up really early this morning so one of them could make his 6 am flight back to Korea, and so I said good-bye in my pajamas, groggily. I am, of course, left with a familiar post-Christmas sadness mixed with New Year energy, but so grateful for what time I had with my family this year. Snow really is the perfect weather for that particular mood, and it's just what we got today. We noticed it was snowing after breakfast, and the boys bundled up and went out to catch snowflakes. They were quickly chilled and so we put them in a bath and talked over coffee while they played. The rest of the day was cozy. We played with them and gave Little Miss a haircut (goodbye scraggly baby mullet), made a nice dinner, and finally finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy (that series will always be associated with Christmas for me) and I finished crocheting a blanket that I started sometime in 2011. That feels good. Tomorrow promises more snow, and maybe I'll take the tree down. Anyway, I've finished mulling over my resolutions for this year, so here they are.

In 2013, I want to:

• have a monthly date night with Ricky.  Find a regular babysitter again, enlist grandparents, etc.
• have one day a week that is social-media free. I'm thinking Sunday; a true Sabbath.
• invite people over for dinner more
• finish paying off my student loans (carryover from 2012)
• ski! (another carryover, and should happen very soon)
• keep reading at least a book every month (having a day off from social media should really help)
• find ways to write more
• finish Silas' baby book, and start Little Miss'
• move toward a more specific nursing practice--by the end of the year I'd like to be working in just one unit.
• keep up the practice of letting go--letting go of my to-do list so I can play with my kids, letting go of my preference for a clean house so I can write/read/spend quality time people/pray/go for a walk/etc. I'm good at making lists and living by them. I'd like to be better at spontaneous enjoyment.

....and on that note, I choose enjoy as my one word for 2013. I want to enjoy my life: my family, my work outside and inside the home, my place of worship, my relationships. I want to be brave enough to let go of burdensome things; to let go of any impulse to impress or prove a point. I simply want to do things because I enjoy them, thereby being who I was meant to be.

Here's to 2013!

Hopes for 2012, Revisited

I've been slayed for the past few days by a sinus infection that grew (pun intended) out of a prolonged cold. Yesterday I joined half the town at Urgent Care and came home with antibiotics and some heavy duty cough syrup. My body is SO not used to narcotics so I slept quite well last night, and pretty much all day today...let's just say no more codeine for me, or at least not the full dosage. Normally I would have carved out some time today to look back over my goals from 2012 and make some new ones for 2013, and I'm still a little woozy, so this may turn into a January 2nd exercise. Here's my list from 2012:

• Become a foster parent, and who knows? maybe adopt. But probably not so soon. But maybe. How exciting that this actually happened!!! And we will, most likely, be finalizing an adoption before the year is half over. Wow, just wow.
• Learn to use more of the features on my camera, also, invest in a good lense. This one didn't happen; not even a little bit. I blame Ricky, because he bought me an iPad. It's so easy to just pick up a phone or tablet to take photos or video these days. So, this goal fell to the back burner. I did use my SLR quite a bit for photo shoots of the littles and such, but really didn't spend any time, energy or money (aside from replacing a lost lens cap) on learning new things about photography.
• Get brave and try skiing again. I had a bad fall and injury a few years back, and I've been too nervous to try again. But I really, really want the kids to learn, so we're going to go. This one didn't happen either, simply because we didn't make it a priority to go. Ricky and my younger brothers are actually going tomorrow, and I had intended to go too before this infection set in. However, we've made tentative plans to go later this month or in February with our small group. So, this one gets moved to 2013 :)
• Start reading chapter books with Nicky (oh, I am so excited for this!) Yes! I loved it and plan to keep doing it. I also formed the habit of reading to Silas before his mid-day nap and I really look forward to that time with him. 
• Pay off student loans. Partially accomplished. I paid off one entirely, one is nearly paid off, and one more remains after that.  Ever since Little Miss came to live with us I've been putting money aside toward a new vehicle (we are super crammed with three car-seats in the back at present), so that kind of took over the loan payments I was making in big chunks before. Need to make a more specific plan.  
• Keep up a good work/life balance This was successful. I switched between 1-2 shifts per week, depending on what was happening at home. This has been a tricky area for me. Honestly, if I thought I could handle being a stay-at-home-mom full time, I would love to do that for a season. But I've found I really need those few days away to remind me why I like being at home, and also just to use different skills. I would love to move toward more specific nursing practice this year, building on some groundwork I was able to lay this past year. 
• Read a book a month (open to suggestions) Done! I read:

There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis

Naked Sprirituality by Brian McLaren

Grace, Eventually by Anne Lamott

A Year of Biblical Womanhood:How a Liberated Woman Found Herself Sitting On Her Roof, Covering Her Head, and Calling Her Husband "Master" by Rachel Held Evans

Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner

Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected by Kelle Hampton

Heaven is Here: An Incredible Story of Hope, Triumph and Everyday Joy by Stephanie Nielson

Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays vs. Christians Debate by Justin Lee

The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up and Burnt out by Brennan Manning

Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers by Anne Lamott

The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

• make a quilt out of the boys' worn out clothes, and other fabric scraps I have lying around Halfway done. I pieced the quilt top and bought all the materials for putting the layers together, and then lost my motivation...honestly the hard part is done. I just need to spend some evenings quilting the layers together with a good movie. Sounds nice.
• be more intentional about spending time with friends The first half of the year, we did a good job with this. After Little Miss came, we really struggled to find time and energy to seek out social interaction. I think that's normal after "having" a baby, and I'm so grateful for the friends who sought us out! Now that we're back in a reasonable routine, hopefully we can get back on track. Ideally, I'd love to have one evening a week set apart for spending time with friends.
• learn to make artisan bread This one was kind of random, and sadly did not happen. Kitchen time is pretty pragmatic these days!
• cultivate the habit of un-distracted listening I think Nicky gives me lots of practice with this one! That boy can talk. One of the challenges of parenting is giving your undivided attention, it seems. I didn't always do it well, but it was certainly a focus this year. Something to continue working on.
• and finally, my word for 2012: generous. As I wrote in my 2012: Year in Review post, I do see many examples of generosity, big and small, when I look back on the year, but I don't feel it's the most defining word for the year. It does seem that every day, on some level, we're presented with the choice to be selfish or generous, and as I've learned so many times, when you try desperately to keep something for yourself, you find no joy in it. This is an ongoing lesson. So I hope to choose generosity, as a habit, as well as bravery.

As expected, it's now January 2 and I'm feeling much more human. On to 2013!!

disquieted

This week I am going to do things that are good for my soul. Things like:

• checking facebook a whole lot less
• setting the alarm and finally trying out that cycling class that scares me
• going outside in the evenings, taking an honest-to-goodness walk
• reading a book that's not criticizing or recommending anything, just a good book
• speaking kind words to myself more
• speaking kind words to my family more
• taking some time to make eye contact
• prayer and meditation (the practice of lectio divina has intrigued me for some time now)
• taking time to be creative
• breathing more, sighing less
• writing down ideas before they float away
• planting something for fall
• cleaning out closets and drawers, just for the feeling of it afterwards
• loving my littles exactly as they are, right now. Holding them close.

....and maybe at the end of it I'll find some things that have gone missing. 

here.

I am ignoring a clean dishwasher that needs to be unloaded, a sink full of dirty dishes, and sticky countertops. It is naptime. I didn't write at all last week, and by yesterday I was bursting at the seams. Not in a good way either. Sometimes I just don't have much to say, but that was not the case last week. I had so much to say but so much tiredness too and an endlessly needy little guy. Good ideas come and then float away while I'm busy with life, and the end of the day comes and all that's left is blankness, the need for a hot shower, cold water to drink, and a bit of nothing for a while.

But if I don't write something, express something, make something--the day feels somewhat empty, and I just don't feel right. I'm thinking I need to carve out some space in the early morning, a few days a week, before little bodies are awake and hungry, to write and pray and think.

I got my tattoo. It's all healed up and I love how it turned out. It says "His eye is on the sparrow." The truest and most needful thing I could think of to inscribe onto myself.

Even though I was dying for some time to write/express/whatever, I was calmer. I intentionally spoke gently to my kids in the morning rush around and I took time to breathe. I have a print in my kitchen that says "hush, be still" and I look at it while I do the same things over and over each day; I think it's getting into my soul, finally. Yesterday morning I was reading Brian McLaren's book Naked Spirituality and did a little meditation on the word here. It was so beautiful and helpful, really. I am here, God is here. Wherever I go after this moment, whatever chaos ensues or doesn't, I am here and God is here. That was the gist of it, and it was a flashlight to my dark hiking trail for sure.

But. In the afternoon I totally blew it, got angry, lost all that calm I had been working toward. I had some rough news and hit my tipping point I suppose. I wanted to run away before an old familiar hurt could catch us again. I feel scared and sad and so, so vulnerable right now. I'm realizing just how much fear I've been harboring, and it's not going to be a picnic dealing with it. But I think I'm going to anyway. Vaguest paragraph ever, I know. Just need to get what I can down, for now.

So I'm back to it, today. I am here, God is here. Everything will be okay, chaos or not.

morning walk

It was beautiful and breezy this morning, so after we dropped Nicky off at school Silas and I went for a walk. I'm trying to incorporate exercise into life more lately, which is pretty cool since I haven't felt the need to do anything exercise-related in months (it's been a seriously lazy winter).

Fresh air is good for the soul, and I'm brimming with gratefulness for several things today. First, I heard from my mother a few days ago that the hip replacement surgery we thought was inevitable doesn't have to happen. It's pretty amazing--she's had a broken hip for months, and the way it was broken typically disrupts circulation, but it's healing properly on it's own. I'm so glad. She just has to walk a lot and build up her bones, but she gets to keep her own bones! What a relief.

And secondly I just feel so grateful to have all this space in my life, to breathe deep and be creative and spend non-stressful time with my littles. What a gift that is. Of course there are the cyclical things like housework and laundry and my incessant battle with dog hair, but seriously, right now I'm sitting with an iced coffee, blogging, while my toddler explores and plays around me, and I get to watch him discover the little things. I get the joy of putting him down for a nap, and getting him up from a nap. I have time to make things, to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It just seems like the little things--feeling the breeze on my face, preparing food, smelling bath-clean hair, reading a new book with a dog on my feet, laughing over verses in Ecclesiastes with Ricky, filling moments with music and silliness, looking forward to a square of dark chocolate with sea salt after the boys are asleep--those are gifts and I get to unwrap them everyday.

I get to inject excitement into my children's lives, to teach them gratefulness as well. There are things that are hard, like Nicky taking an hour to do one worksheet last night and consequently having no free time to play (and having to stick to my guns even though I so wanted to let him stay up later), or when Silas overturns a full basket of clean, folded laundry (happening as I write this) and the moments where I'm just wanting to accomplish something or think a full thought but I'm needed for something else--but wow, life is so sweet. And I just have to laugh as he runs around the house with my pajama pants on his head, declaring loudly in toddler-speak. I want to always remember this feeling, this windows-open, seeing the beauty, giving thanks moment. Thank you.

bread crumbs: on being still

{bread crumbs: hints, big or small, that seem to fall in front of me just when I need them.}

I've been reading Lauren Winner's new book Still: Notes On A Mid-Faith Crisis for the past few weeks. I first discovered her in college when my room-mate lent me her memoir Girl Meets God; I still read it every other year or so. Anyway, something stuck out to me a few nights ago. One of the things she writes about is her struggle with anxiety. She decides to give up anxiety for Lent (I love the bravery of such a statement):

The desert saints said that the beginning of renouncing a thought is simply noticing it. That is what I'm doing in my quarter hours--I am noticing, and naming, and then for a few minutes, quarantining  a distraction.

But the desert fathers say something more: after noticing a thought, replace it with prayer. So that is just what I try to do to my anxiety this Lent--not just ignore it for quarter hour increments, but sidle up alongside it and pray. (89-90) 

This idea of just spending some time with anxiety (or in my case the almost paralyzing discontent that creeps up sometimes) and noticing it, then praying through it really spoke to me. I tried it yesterday. I spent some time with my discontent, asked it what it's name was. Sometimes it's just advertising telling me I don't have things that I want (turns out most of the time I don't want them, not really), or Pinterest telling me I'm not creative enough with my throw pillows or my marriage, or any number of outside sources streaming false information into my mind. It's all the same lie of not enough. So I spent some time with that lie (disguised as my feelings) and eventually it showed its ugly face. And I prayed. I held up all my feelings, true and false, asked for help, and help came in the form of peace.

But say that feeling of discontent came from something real--something that really needed to be changed or fixed, then spending time with it would reveal that as well. Sometimes discontent is just the push I need to make something happen. Most of the time, I'm finding, that is not the case. It's just the not enough lie blinding me to the blessings that surround me.

I used to think I should be harder on myself. Now I mostly try to be kinder to myself, in the hopes that the outflow will be better. God lavishes grace on me daily, and I am desperately in need of grace to lavish (or even to dole out in teaspoons, that would work.) What goes in must come out, and there is no way to be there for other people if I'm not there for myself too.

I will not run away from stillness. It is uncomfortable but it is fruitful. I love this prayer she mentions:

O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength: By the might of thy Spirit lift us, we pray thee, to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou art God.

-from the Book of Common Prayer, 832.

right now

• resolving to try to be in more pictures with my kiddos, even if I do feel slightly ridiculous setting up the camera and running across the room and quickly attempting to look natural. It's worth being present in the family photo album, no?
• finishing up my book for January, There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene (it's been sitting on my bookshelf for the better part of a year). It's informative, inspiring, and devastating. 
• picking at Anne Lamott's book on writing, Bird by Bird. Another one that's been on the list for a good while.
• trying to decide what's more efficient: yard sale or Craigslist-ing a LOT of stuff. I'm so tired just thinking about it....
• missing my love who's on a work expedition and needs to come home already
• developing a stiff neck from folding entirely too much laundry
• relieved to be done with an evening trip to the vet with a very excited Penny and both boys and a stroller that has perpetually sideways wheels
• renewing my RN license. Two years, already.
• thinking I'll check on the littles and then call it a day. A cool pillow is calling my name....

hopes for 2012

Today turned out to be an on-call day, so we had a lounge-y morning and went to church, ate some yummy green enchilada pizza, did some major organizing in the office (pretty much all Ricky, but I did give my opinions as I sat there drinking coffee), and played Trouble with the boy. The battle of the molars rages on, but Silas is at last sleeping peacefully. Now it's one more night with the Christmas tree and twinkle lights- just popping in to make my 2012 list official, then Ricky, the couch, Netflix and a big yellow blanket are calling my name. Good day.

My Hopes for 2012

• Become a foster parent, and who knows? maybe adopt. But probably not so soon. But maybe.
• Learn to use more of the features on my camera, also, invest in a good lense.
• Get brave and try skiing again. I had a bad fall and injury a few years back, and I've been too nervous to try again. But I really, really want the kids to learn, so we're going to go. 
• Start reading chapter books with Nicky (oh, I am so excited for this!)
• Pay off student loans. 
• Keep up a good work/life balance
• Read a book a month (open to suggestions)
• make a quilt out of the boys' worn out clothes, and other fabric scraps I have lying around
• be more intentional about spending time with friends
• learn to make artisan bread
• cultivate the habit of un-distracted listening
• and finally, my word for 2012: generous. 

Good night and a very happy 2012 to you!

bread crumbs

I'm trying something new. For months I've been processing so many things in my spiritual life, and let me just say, it's been a bit overwhelming. I've driven home from church sobbing. I've spent mornings drinking up words, desperate for an answer. I've sought, I've been silent. I've felt like a "bringer of doubt", a menace.

There have been days where I've questioned whether it's still accurate to call myself a Christian, not because I don't want to follow Christ, but because I don't identify with so much of church culture. Then there are days where I've seen a spark of something so new and fresh that it fills me with hope and excitement. Blogs like Emerging Mummy and Elizabeth Esther that just about knock me over with their honesty, their descriptions that match almost exactly how I've been feeling. A nurse I work with sometimes who is like Jesus with skin on. There are bread crumbs to follow. God is gracious.

There are many things in the Bible I don't want to teach my children-at least not in the way it is conventionally taught. I'm more concerned about sheltering my boys from certain aspects of conservative Christian culture than I am about sheltering them from the things conservative Christian culture is afraid of. (Here's an example: the obnoxious bumper sticker I saw today that shouted, "Jesus is Alive! Deal with it." Um, is that supposed to be a presentation of the gospel?)

It's difficult, trying to live up to labels. But I'm finding that when I step away from labels I can say some things about my relationship with God that I mean will all my heart. And that is huge. I don't need to be certain of everything, but I need a foundation.

So I'm trying something new, putting this stuff out there. I want to keep track of the bread crumbs just like I keep track of the way my kids are growing; the birthdays, milestones, anniversaries. This is kind of my pile of stones, marking an important place. An altar of sorts.

I hope for better things.

New Year's Eve

Nicky and Silas in their formal wear....

We went to a truly beautiful wedding on New Year's Eve, then came home and tucked our littles into bed. I am so grateful for my life. This year, I'm resolving to do all the usual things, but my most specific goal is to pay more attention to this blog. Time is flying by and I don't want to forget all of these sweet moments. Starting now!