heavy for my friends

I was born to laugh
 I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Some friends are burying their Dad young today. The son plans to stand tall, sing and play guitar; I find that unspeakably brave. Other friends sit with a swiftly passing mother, shortly after their precious daughter was stillborn. Still.

Oh, there have been desperate prayers going up all around. Prayers for things to change, for what we see to not be so. And how can you not? You're stunned and you whisper it wasn't supposed to be this way. And my beautiful friends have something I do not- they pray the deepest hopes of their hearts. There are things I simply cannot bring my heart to ask for, but they can. I think, how can you not, but still I cannot. And so we take our shifts. We watch out for each other. And on a summer evening, we hush babies and cross our legs and sing Lord the dark is creeping in, is creeping up to swallow me, I think I'll stop and rest here awhile. 

We don't have to say any of the right things, and this is grace. We pray what hopes we can. There are times for theological questions, but now is not one of them. Now is the time to lean up against this force you can't make much sense of and find rest.

And another brave soul, she's reeling from a diagnosis that changes so much of what she hoped for. But I see my friends making these choices in the midst of their pain, choices that bring lightness and life into such dark places. I think, I want to be more like them.

Pour me a glass of wine
talk deep into the night
who knows what we'll find?

Intuition, déjà vu
the Holy Ghost haunting you
whatever you got, I don't mind

Two nights after this precious baby was born and snuggled and already called home, I assist with a delivery that's elegant in its simplicity. All is well, and so we leave mama and baby skin to skin with a big warm blanket covering them; we step out to let them have this time they worked so hard for. My heart is light in those moments; I'm nothing but happy for them. There is a process of thought beyond that which I simply cannot bear now.

Souls are born, souls die, some souls are in an in-between place. I suppose it lightens the load if you can think of life as a continuum. Not here and gone; just early or farther along. But still, we want to be at the same place with those we love; we want to walk along together. Isn't it what we were made for?

Put your elbows on the table
I will listen long as I am able
there's nowhere I'd rather be

My friend and I, we cry and process together, we talk about thin spaces and she tells me of the moment she held this precious baby and the veil between our world and the other was simply not there for a moment. How it was sacred, how it was an honor. Too much, almost. Too holy.

I know my Redeemer lives, maybe only because of those breaks in the veil. We know in our marrow, it wasn't supposed to be this way. And yet we know how to find beauty and hold on to it for dear life.


*lyrics from Born by Over the Rhine and All I Can Say by David Crowder Band

Silas turns 2

Today Silas is two years old. He still has some baby in him, thankfully. I'm not ready for him to grow up yet! The Toddler is here though: all that cute baby-ness trying to find its way to Big Boy-ness. This morning he was lying next to me, snoozing away, then woke up suddenly, sat up in bed and said "Mommy. Papa. Bettis. Kay?" And climbed off the bed, saying "Laler!" as he shut the door behind him. Translation: Good morning, Mommy. I'm going to find Papa, because that's where the breakfast is. Okay? See you later! He makes me smile.

We celebrated on Saturday morning with friends and family (or "buddies" as he calls them). It was cloudy and cold, and we were cozy inside with brunch and various dog-themed activities.

his buddy from birth

The menu: egg casserole (the kind with bread baked in, soooo good), cheddar biscuits, apples and caramel sauce, coffee, cider and tea, and spice cake with cream cheese frosting.

Little Miss sported some doggie ears, but Nicky avoided wearing his. He's outgrowing such things I guess.

Silas ditched his costume early on and spent the rest of the party in his shirt and diaper....there are only so many birthdays you can do that and still be considered cute. He also showed off his wolf-howling skills, and blew out his candles like a champ.

Doggie cake, and The Knife. Oy.

Nicky made a birthday banner the night before, on his own initiative, with help from Grandma.

This was our first morning birthday party, and I liked it. Lots of work the day before, but the day of was all about enjoying company and then relaxing afterward. We watched Brave, and ate leftover Chinese food, and got lots of snuggles in. It was a perfect day to celebrate our little guy.

At age two, Silas is:

• affectionate
• charming (it works a little too well on me, and he knows it I think)
• stubborn and cranky, quite dependent on naps
• curious
• a lover of books, especially ones about animals
• good at making animal sounds
• navigating ipads and smart phones a little too well (his favorite app is Peekaboo Barn, and he can call Ricky from my phone with no assistance from me)
• talking a lot, repeating pretty much everything we say
• imitating Nicky, playing more like a big boy
• still quite an early riser
• getting pretty good at throwing and catching a ball (bouncy balls have not lost their magic)
• saying some fun words, like "mine", "now!", "candy" and of course the favorite "no".
• balancing all that out with some serious cuteness

What a delight he has been, and continues to be. Our Silas Nathaniel.

Nicky turns 6

We had a fun time celebrating our Nickyboy this past Saturday. He wanted an Angry Birds party, and we were happy to oblige. Ricky was a rockstar dad and built some fun launchers. Birthday parties are getting more chaotic as he gets older, but we all just pile in and watch the kids run around, and try to have a conversation here and there. Within moments, every toy is out and the house takes on a new energy. People pass babies around, give hugs, avoid running kid-packs. I love our friends, new and old.

Our kind and generous neighbors provided free face-painting. They don't mess around, as you can see.

Those who could stand to be still painted birdhouses (this is about as far as Silas got).

Piñata time is getting a bit more serious. Nicky asked if he could go first and it occurred to me that he's not one of the little ones anymore. So, he was the first "big kid" to go after the little ones. 

Strawberry cake, by request. Fun with fondant.

Nicky and Jude. They're at different schools this year, so getting together outside of church is pretty special.

testing out the launchers....

So, now we have a six year old. He loves building with Legos and other "click-blocks", dance parties, movie night, Power Rangers and superheroes, still. He's a champ of a big brother; really good at "cheering up" the babies as he puts it. He's still full of funny sayings, like calling his drawings/paintings "fridgers" or "wallers" depending on how good he thinks they are, telling Silas to stop "buffalo-ing" everyone, and insisting that his school friend's name is Samanthum, not Samantha :) He does chores for money now, and is learning about saving and tithing. He loves school and goes to a really good after-school program, and gets upset when we try to pick him up early....

He is still surprising, sweet and full of life. I'm so grateful for another year with this boy.

white sands

A few weeks ago our small group went out to White Sands for the full moon night. This one was pretty cloudy, but we had a blast with the group and it was fun just being out and about. We're usually concerned about bedtimes and such; it's fun to blow that off once in awhile. Lots of silliness, snacks and good conversation while we shivered and waited for the moon to rise. It's been so good being part of a small group again; it's both stretching and comforting, and where a lot of "church" happens.

Anyway, my friend Crystal took some fun pictures and I thought I'd share:

and here's one I took of the sunset. What a gorgeous place.

on finding a home

Lately I am thinking about the future more than usual. I think it's because we have some big changes coming up, and some big decisions. Where to live, where to work, when to have another baby---all decisions I am very excited to face. The question of where to live is the most prominent in my mind I suppose.
I love so many things about our life here. We have a good church and good friends. Everything is so familiar. Natural disasters are rare. (Just thought I'd throw that one in :) But seriously--those things are not easy to find. When we got married, we had a transition period from our "college friends" to our "grown up friends"--hate to put it that way but that's kind of how it was. Not that we're not close to any of those people, but it did change things. Anyway, the point is that it takes time to build a life with someone. Moving away presents the challenge of starting over, which in some ways is exhilarating and in other ways terrifying.
On the flip side, something I've learned from life is that good situations can stagnate. Change can be good; it keeps us on our toes and forces us to pay attention. And it's funny--there was a time in my life where I welcomed change with open arms--I just wanted things to happen. Now I guess I crave a little more stability.
All of this just reinforces one thing for me; I need to appreciate what I have right here, in this moment. Sometimes that's all we have. Whatever happens, I will always be so grateful for this time in our lives.