just because

Just because I had an early meeting, and now I'm gathering tax documents and folding laundry, crossing t's and dotting i's, and days behind on my reading,

just because I want to remember how Silas runs with his arms bent up high, a little like Sid the Science Kid,

and because Nicky-boy ran and jumped up on me when I picked up him from school,

and because Silas likes to wear hats,

and because of her lashes, and little yellow dresses, and grass that's starting to turn,

and just because my boys play together so much now,

and because a nice old man gave them a walking stick. Pick one out, hijo, that's right, go ahead! Because honorary grandparents exist all around.

Because it's a windy first day of Spring, and I miss them while I cross things off my list. Just because.

she laughed today

I held her above my head, playing helicopter--down, up, side to side-- and she laughed, looking all around and then back at me. It was a tiny little laugh that could have been missed if we weren't looking for it; wondering when it was coming.

disquieted

This week I am going to do things that are good for my soul. Things like:

• checking facebook a whole lot less
• setting the alarm and finally trying out that cycling class that scares me
• going outside in the evenings, taking an honest-to-goodness walk
• reading a book that's not criticizing or recommending anything, just a good book
• speaking kind words to myself more
• speaking kind words to my family more
• taking some time to make eye contact
• prayer and meditation (the practice of lectio divina has intrigued me for some time now)
• taking time to be creative
• breathing more, sighing less
• writing down ideas before they float away
• planting something for fall
• cleaning out closets and drawers, just for the feeling of it afterwards
• loving my littles exactly as they are, right now. Holding them close.

....and maybe at the end of it I'll find some things that have gone missing. 

words for today

I'm not sure why it always flows downhill

why broken cisterns never could stay filled

I've spent ten years singing gravity away

but the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out

with every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt

I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away

but the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows

I try to find a cure for pain

Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do

it would be a lie to run away

-Jon Foreman, The Cure for Pain

-------------

  

Pick up any language by the scruff of its neck,   

wipe its face, set it down on the lawn,   

and I bet it will toddle right into the godfire   

again, which—though they say it doesn't   

exist—can send you straight to the burn unit.   

Oh, we have only so many words to think with.   

Say God's not fire, say anything, say God's   

a phone, maybe. You know you didn't order a phone,   

but there it is. It rings. You don't know who it could be.   

You don't want to talk, so you pull out   

the plug. It rings. You smash it with a hammer   

till it bleeds springs and coils and clobbery   

metal bits. It rings again. You pick it up   

and a voice you love whispers hello

-Jeanne Murray Walker, Staying Power

fishbaby

This kid loves water, so much so that we have to keep the bathroom door closed or he'll gleefully splash in the toilet.

So sometimes if he's fussy or we're bored or just feel like it, we  stop the day and take a bath. It feels like giving him a treat, and I love that. He watches the water fill the tub and bounces with excitement, and lately he throws some cute baby jabbering into the mix.

Spending a lot of time with littles is so rewarding, and so taxing, all at the same time. I feel like I'm still figuring it out. One thing that's been cemented in my mind, however, is that when we get the chance or feel the need to slow down and have a moment to just be, I should take it and enjoy it fully. Notice it all-the sunlight warming and soothing, the lashes, the way his hair curls when it's wet, the way he shouts triumphantly after throwing toy frogs overboard. Seriously, that other stuff can wait.

And take pictures, in case I forget.

God rest ye merry

Yesterday was a weird and wonderful day. It was slow and sleepy all morning at work but then the drama began, and just continued on and on like it does. I sat down to chart after finally giving report and didn't even know where to begin. "Dive in and don't come out until you're done", an older nurse advised, on her way out. Yeah, pretty much. I was there late enough to realize I miss working nights. There's a totally different energy and camaraderie going on. I felt like sticking around just to hang out, look at ridiculous chest x-rays, talk smack about the doctors and just generally shoot the breeze. You have time to do that kind of thing on nights. Too bad it's so hard on the rest of my life, or I would totally go back to it.

So I tapped away at the keyboard until I was satisfied with my accounts of the day (because if you don't document it, it didn't happen says the nursing school instructor in my head) chatted a bit, and finally packed my backpack, made my way out of the maze of the ICU, clocked out, and walked out the doors to a deliciously cold and rainy night. I felt a little like having a John Locke moment (the one from Lost, not the civil society guy) it was so nice. There are things I really love about my job. The feeling of going home, completely spent, is one of them.

I got home and Ricky had three surprises for me. One, he hung up Christmas lights outside. Two, he learned to play this version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings that we've been hearing on Pandora and love:

and three-he picked up my cell phone that I was sure was long gone. I left it at a store the day before and was sure someone took it, but turns out it was still there, and they called him. 

I'm so full of love for this guy, for a million little reasons.  

Today we're all home. The boys are playing, Ricky's working on his take-home final and I'm crafting, sipping, browsing and ignoring the whites in the washer. A big pot of posole with crusty bread is in the works.

I am thankful for contrast.

school nights

This is a very at home season we're in. On a typical day, shuttling Nicky to and from school feels busy, along with the domestic and baby-chasing related activities in between. Then, time to start dinner. Homework and chores. Dishes, baths, Silas is in bed by 6:30 usually, and Nicky by 8:30.

Sometimes we stretch it out a bit, like Monday with a pumpkin bread baking session and a long walk toward the swiftly disappearing desert. Past the construction. Silas stayed up past his bedtime, snuggled up in the carrier, wide-eyed as ever. Nicky was overflowing with stories, taking fast little breaths in between words.

We turned back when the sun was setting, and met the new neighbors. 

I like this season. I'm scheduling myself at work a bit less, just to keep up with all the at home business. It feels important to not miss stuff. Have I mentioned I'm grateful for my job? Flexibility is a beautiful thing. And a day out of the house does this mama good. I come back energized and looking forward to more of the revolving, everyday chores (not to mention ever more grateful for health). My days at home sometimes feel like stolen days, like vacation. That's the best feeling.

There are exciting things going on around here. We're packing up for a camping trip this weekend.  Saturday is our 6th wedding anniversary. And a long-time conversation is taking shape into reality (more about that later, it's processing still).

This morning I pulled out hats and gloves from Rubbermaid boxes, and found some old winter clothes of Nicky's that now fit Silas. Knit turtlenecks, jeans with softly worn knees, little leather shoes with elephants on them, footie pajamas.

Silas is zoom-crawling, and edging around the coffee table, taking wide steps holding on to our fingers. Belly-laughing at brother when we get him from school. Pointing and making declarations. Wanting to be right in the middle of whatever's going on.

They're growing, and every day is the most precious one so far.  

smitten

Sometimes I'm simply amazed by the beauty of being this little guy's mama-the way time stops for just a bit while we snuggle up on the couch, and he lays his cheek against my face

and I try to capture the moment with my phone,

and it's a blurry, incomplete representation 

of the pure magic, of the little things that are everything

as August winds down

rest-full

Yesterday afternoon Ricky remarked that this had been the most restful weekend he's had in awhile. I would have to agree, and it's funny because we did so much. We both had the whole weekend off, which is rare since I usually work Friday or Saturday.

Friday was a major outdoor workday. We leveled the dirt area where we plan to lay sod, planted a tree, and dug out most of the old garden so we could level that properly and refill it. We has watered the ground so it was pretty soft-pretty important in this area since we have caliche right below the surface and it can be rock-hard. Silas spent a lot of time outside in his chair, just kicking his legs and looking around. He really seems to enjoy the fresh air.

 Saturday was my birthday. I had requested the day off, thinking how great it would be to have a Saturday with my family, no obligations or appointments-just a Saturday. That's really what I wanted for my birthday. And I got it! The day began with Starbucks in bed (Ricky knows me so well...), and gave me some lovely presents (from my list no less), then we got ready and went to the farmer's market.

We ate really good burgers (from the HotDogBurgerChicken guy), and bought organic plants for the garden-cherry and heirloom tomatoes, butternut squash, and yellow squash. Nicky bought a wooden car with his saved-up dollars.

squinty face

After a fun leisurely morning, we headed home to let the kiddos rest. I told Ricky I didn't mind continuing our outdoor projects on my birthday, so we kept working on the garden bed. He built a new frame for it, with much more sturdy wood than we used last year. It looks SO much better, and level! Yay. We finished up the day with Dion's pizza and brownies (my favorite).

Sunday morning we had Silas' dedication at church. It was so special, and there are so many babies right now! Many of our dear friends have had/adopted babies recently or are about to. We prayed for our little ones, and spoke things that are important to say out loud-You are special, and loved, and chosen. Your life matters. God knew you before you were born, before the foundation of the Earth, and has beautiful plans for you. I love our church community, and I love that our boys are growing up in such a loving, life-affirming place.

We had brunch afterwards and Nicky got to spend the afternoon at a little amusement park with his grandparents. He came back tired, smiling, and a little wet on a boat ride. Ricky finished up the garden while I stayed inside with Silas- it was super windy and even a little chilly outside.

It felt good to collapse into bed at the end of the day, with that great feeling of accomplishment. Funny how work can be more restful than a weekend filled with tv and naps. Those are okay sometimes too. This time, though, accomplishment really hit the spot.

Thankful for (64-70):

• twenty eight years on this planet
• what I told Ricky on my birthday- I can't think of something I'd rather do than just have a day with my family. Thankful that we don't just love each other, we like each other!
• love for these boys that just keeps growing
• possibility
• community that rejoices with us (and would weep with us too)
• sunscreen, floppy hats, sandals
• big brown eyes

courtesy of the Flip

Ricky's sister got us this great little camcorder, the Flip. I try to keep it close by to catch funny little moments during the day. Uploading videos today, and found these:

Playdate Exhaustion:

Robot Bustamove:

Brothers Laughing:

mornin'

Sometimes in the morning, I've been snuggling up with Silas, and I hear Ricky taking Penny outside and Nicky starts to stir and then is suddenly awake and goes from 0-60 just like that, and starts talking to us about his dreams and what he thinks about Thomas or Lightning McQueen or Jude (his bestie) or his favorite cereal or feels like practicing his kazoo skills, and the sun is coming up, and I'm still prying my eyes open.....I just have this moment, where I think to myself wow this is like a scene out of a movie or something. And I'm so glad this is my life.

my loves

On Saturday I gave Nicky a plate of brownies to decorate, and he went to town. I really love activities that get him excited for holidays. Maybe it's weird, but I always enjoy the days leading up to a holiday more than the day itself.

He also made some valentines for his "church friends" as he calls them, and handed them out yesterday. Ricky bought me the most amazing cookie ever at the church bake sale-I think it was one of these. Whatever it was, it was sooooo good. This is how Sundays usually go: Ricky leaves early to play music for the first service, while I get myself and the boys ready (takes just about all morning still), then we head off to the second service where I drop Nicky off at his class, and sometimes put Silas in the nursery if I feel like it. Sometimes I still like to keep him snuggled up with me for service. That means spending a good chunk of service in the nursing moms' room. Ricky and I both usually end up hanging out in there, in our rocking chairs, chatting about the sermon and whatever else comes up. It's nice, in this season.

Anyway, this Sunday the weather was beautiful so we took the littles out for a hike (which right now means a short walk in the desert/mountains). It was Silas' first time in the hiking backpack and he did well. Our experience with Nicky and this particular backpack was that it was great while he was little enough to fit down into it, but as he got longer his head would just flop around after he fell asleep about five minutes into a hike. So, we may be investing in something else for Silas, when he's bigger.

Penny was pretty tired at the end. Poor little short-legged creature....

It was a lovely Sunday with my family. I sure do love them.

an afternoon at the park