open

There is color everywhere. Speckled eggs on a dish, a new can of slate blue paint for the back door, my toenails, more rose and yellow and pale blue in the laundry pile. We leave the back door open; the kids and the dog meander in and out. This I remember especially to enjoy, because it will be too hot soon enough. Right now it's all open windows and fresh air and potential.

We poke seeds into the ground: spinach and lettuce and wildflowers, and I keep finding so much happiness in little things. Watching an indie film while the floor dries. Folding whites, wiping away dust. Naptime, sadness, the luxury of mindfulness because it means there is space in the day. Scribbling with chalk on warm concrete. Weather that warrants ice cream and trips to the park and skirts and dinner outside. I feel the sort of elation and then calm that comes after you take a leap of faith. When you look around, and it's enough, and it's also okay to dream, and the deepest-rooted thing I know comes back to me:

everything is spiritual; every day is a gift. There is the seen and the unseen. I let all this swirl, lift it back up, say

thank
you

once
again.

where we meet

Ah, the ache of this wounded world, yes? Like the Israelites, God sometimes feeds us manna, that which literally makes no sense to us, the "what is it?" food, and He asks us to eat the mystery of circumstances we don't understand. How to find gratefulness when we weep? Does it comfort at all to know that in the midst of our pain, God is keeping a list?  A list that turns us and the cosmos inside out and changes everything, changes me and my perspective and the way I brain-film my life: 

“You have recorded my troubles.
You have kept a list of my tears.
Aren't they in your records?” Ps. 56:8, NCV

 God does not slumber for He cannot cease to bear testimony to our hurt. God keeps a list. It's the wildest Love that drives the Father to record His child's every lament. We never ache without God attending, and He can't stand to see a tear fall to the floor. God cups our grief and puts our tears in His bottle.

...it's Love that makes God a list-keeper of our brokenness, and it's love that can make us list-keepers of our blessings. In this we might meet together in communion.

-Ann Voskamp, in this interview

gifts (123-138)

• mornings with music
• brothers, reunited after Nicky's quarantine, speaking their funny language to each other
• warm feet
• a tree that changes colors
• Nicky's teacher. It takes a village, and I'm so glad she's part of ours. Nicky's coming home with lots of good habits.

• the scrunchy smile

• a baby who wants to share his snacks with everyone
• birthday party planning-my favorite part
• a better nap schedule, for now

• sleeping parties
• more light in the mornings, darker evenings (I will get tired of this, but right now I love it)
• a phone call, application being processed, one step closer

• thrift store mugs
• hosting our first Thanksgiving this year (I guess that means we're grown up now?)

• Nicky's list so far: Nicky feeding Silas (just go with it), bikes, cutting with scissors, and a picture of a playground

102-122

102. simplicity in things that have been often been complicated for me
103. the extra time it takes to unload little ones from car-seats
104. bedtime
105. children's books that make me yawn....because I get to read to someone
106. kaleidoscopes
107. the smell of a (backyard) campfire

108. common prayer
109. hearing baby cries in the wee hours of the morning
110. cold tile
111. sidewalk chalk
112. lemons

113. a sense of peace and haven in my home
114. new dreams
115. little patients, recovering so much in one twelve hour shift
116. oxygen, technology, medicine
117. recovery of all sorts
118. Jesus, and words-more of that balm, becoming a habit

119. unease, leading me to tell the truth
120. breaking points
121. hard mornings, having to work at it
122. interruptions, my saving grace

Sunday afternoon drive

89. scenic routes
90. the smell of rain, even sweeter after months of waiting
91. time to think, sing and pray
92. napping babies
93. sleepy wake-up faces

94. dappled skies
95. cool mountain air

96. words that are a balm
97. salt in my wounds (I have to thank Him for this too, because it brings clarity)

98. laughter

99. unexpected stops

100. a glimpse of the world through a child's eyes

101. a drive over the mountain, a few quiet hours, nourishing rain, and a return to clear blue horizon

Cloudcroft, Mayhill, and Hope, NM

71-88

• shelter from the crazy wind
• daydreams about upcoming summer adventures
• Ricky's help
• new patience/appreciation for the dog (funny, but I needed it)
• expectant parents, anticipating a new little one
• spontaneous dance parties with Nicky
• medicine, no more wheezing baby
• the end of a long week of sickness
• running errands after being stuck inside so much because of sickness, relief for cabin fever...
• impromptu picnics
• little boys in stripes
• good examples all around me (seriously)
• productive days
• sticker charts (they work wonders for Nicky)
• new motivations
• contrast-looking forward to what will hopefully be a more lively week
• seeing friends happy, feeling their joy
• honesty, and the courage to pursue it more

rest-full

Yesterday afternoon Ricky remarked that this had been the most restful weekend he's had in awhile. I would have to agree, and it's funny because we did so much. We both had the whole weekend off, which is rare since I usually work Friday or Saturday.

Friday was a major outdoor workday. We leveled the dirt area where we plan to lay sod, planted a tree, and dug out most of the old garden so we could level that properly and refill it. We has watered the ground so it was pretty soft-pretty important in this area since we have caliche right below the surface and it can be rock-hard. Silas spent a lot of time outside in his chair, just kicking his legs and looking around. He really seems to enjoy the fresh air.

 Saturday was my birthday. I had requested the day off, thinking how great it would be to have a Saturday with my family, no obligations or appointments-just a Saturday. That's really what I wanted for my birthday. And I got it! The day began with Starbucks in bed (Ricky knows me so well...), and gave me some lovely presents (from my list no less), then we got ready and went to the farmer's market.

We ate really good burgers (from the HotDogBurgerChicken guy), and bought organic plants for the garden-cherry and heirloom tomatoes, butternut squash, and yellow squash. Nicky bought a wooden car with his saved-up dollars.

squinty face

After a fun leisurely morning, we headed home to let the kiddos rest. I told Ricky I didn't mind continuing our outdoor projects on my birthday, so we kept working on the garden bed. He built a new frame for it, with much more sturdy wood than we used last year. It looks SO much better, and level! Yay. We finished up the day with Dion's pizza and brownies (my favorite).

Sunday morning we had Silas' dedication at church. It was so special, and there are so many babies right now! Many of our dear friends have had/adopted babies recently or are about to. We prayed for our little ones, and spoke things that are important to say out loud-You are special, and loved, and chosen. Your life matters. God knew you before you were born, before the foundation of the Earth, and has beautiful plans for you. I love our church community, and I love that our boys are growing up in such a loving, life-affirming place.

We had brunch afterwards and Nicky got to spend the afternoon at a little amusement park with his grandparents. He came back tired, smiling, and a little wet on a boat ride. Ricky finished up the garden while I stayed inside with Silas- it was super windy and even a little chilly outside.

It felt good to collapse into bed at the end of the day, with that great feeling of accomplishment. Funny how work can be more restful than a weekend filled with tv and naps. Those are okay sometimes too. This time, though, accomplishment really hit the spot.

Thankful for (64-70):

• twenty eight years on this planet
• what I told Ricky on my birthday- I can't think of something I'd rather do than just have a day with my family. Thankful that we don't just love each other, we like each other!
• love for these boys that just keeps growing
• possibility
• community that rejoices with us (and would weep with us too)
• sunscreen, floppy hats, sandals
• big brown eyes

55-63

• Nicky, getting his toes in the mud and loving it
• Romans 14
• the "unforced rhythms of grace" I am learning
• Silas' smile that takes over his whole face
• birthday parties
• community
• being exhausted at the end of the day, falling into bed, feeling alive
• a woman I admire in a hospital bed, the strength of her family, the progress she is making
• new life

37-54

• little boy lashes

• big baby yawns
• pain medication for the suffering, the sleep that follows
• not being allowed to refuse medical treatment, regardless of money (I've heard some awful stories this week)
• the Sermon on the Mount (reading and re-reading it for Lent this year...)
• tree blossoms

• garden planning with Ricky
• light on a clean floor
• Sunday afternoons, probably my favorite time of the week
• hearing a bit of wisdom, then needing that very thing soon after (God moments)

• the challenge to work harder, and do better
• and also the grace to let it go at the end of the day

• being shaken here in my comfortable life, realizing how I take peace for granted
• color

• the ease of making friends when you're 4 years old 

Nicky makes plans to catch a duck with his new friends

• sunglasses
• clocking out
• clean, velvety puppy ears

21-36

• second winds that surprise me
• Nicky's excitement over a stack of fresh library books
• Nice-weather days in between the super windy ones
• Nicky saying goodbye to his grandparents: Goodbye! I love you! Sometimes I always just care about you!
• A patient telling me I have a calming presence- a reassurance that what I do at work even matters....much needed!
• tiny toes, the size of my pinkie nail 
• tiny fingers reaching up for my face, curling on my shirt
• Feeling empty, with nothing left to give....because without that feeling I would never long for God, or ask for help
• Nicky's gentleness with me when I am so, so impatient (I don't know if there's anything more humbling than realizing my child is much more grace-filled than I am)
• my church family,so inspiring and encouraging
• days that are not easy, because I grow, because I have to fight that downward pull
• colorful picture frames
• little kids trying to talk when they're really excited
• shelter, heat, clean water, the luxury of choosing what to eat for dinner
• Pandora radio while I'm cooking

13-20

• Nicky's song to Silas: stay asleep Silas, don't wake up or cry......(repeat, repeat, repeat :)
•  the sight of my two boys sleeping last night-I walked into the bedroom and both of them were kind of tossing and turning at the same time, then they both settled back into sleep. So funny.
• Nicky carefully picking out a birthday present for a friend, going back and forth over two different toys-which one would he like the best? -and then asking over and over if the party is today
• Silas's chubby little arms, visible now that the weather is warmer and I can put him in short-sleeved onesies
• the news of babies being born, so many right now!
• silliness overtaking Nicky's tears
• Silas, finding his laugh
• a night spent re-connecting with old friends

first list

I'm reading a beautiful book right now- Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. There are so many tidbits of wisdom in it, that maybe I'll write some of my thoughts once I've had a chance to chew on it a little more....but for now I just want to start my own list. The central theme of the book is gratefulness, and what gratefulness can produce in our lives. Ann shares her process of starting a list of one thousand gifts from God that she encounters in everyday life, choosing to recognize these things as God's ways of showing us how much he loves us. The idea is to just note things as they happen, so here's what I see right now....

1. the camera that enables me to capture moments; I know that these will be so precious to me as time goes on 
2. warmer weather that allows us to be outside more
3. Silas' little noises and coos, the way he smiles when he notices me
4. Coffee.....oh how thankful I am for it :)
5. I am grateful for quality kids' tv programs that allow Nicky to learn things in a fun and memorable way.
6. The way Nicky's face looks when he traces his letters
7. the notes and flowers Ricky's been leaving for me in the morning this week-single red roses with notes that read this coffee is for my wife, I like your blog, thanks for sharing the lappy, (laptop) I'm proud of you... 
8. feeling thirsty and drinking water
9. the feeling of a soft sweater
10. energy/motivation to create, organize, beautify a space-there are so many times that I don't feel this that when I do, it's a gift
11. Nicky wanting to be wherever I am....sometimes I just want to be alone but then I think of how many times I have been lonely, and here's this bright little person who follows me everywhere....and this will not always be the case.
12. I think that is what I'm most grateful for right now-the knowledge that all of this is temporary-because that frees me to enjoy it. Being present for my children, right now, is more important and precious than anything else I can think of. I'm grateful to be realizing and reminded of this now, and not when it's too late.

Ann's blog, A Holy Experience, is here.