He who keeps me will not slumber

I have that song in my head.....just can't seem to get it right today... For some reason I woke up stiff and sore, with the same croaky voice and raw throat I've had for a few days now and it's Ricky's day to play music so he's out the door early. I decide to feel sorry for myself while I feed the littles. I slice bananas, heat up leftover waffles from the other day, sprinkle slivered almonds. I spill my full cup of coffee all over Nicky's paper and crayons. The dog laps up coffee off of the floor.

Lately all I want to do is read. Like for fifteen whole minutes without something being asked of me. Yeah, I'm pretty much in full blown woe is me mode. I'm tired, I guess? My brain is hungry and my body is tired, and days off are not really days off. I made the mistake of staying up too late last night, watching someone on the internet talk about complicated things in a way that made me angry and sad, at who I'm not sure. Also not sure why I did that to myself. I wish I had the option of a nap. I wish I could find Silas' bottle. I wish I could wear all of my hats with grace and confidence.

I think on Sunday mornings it all comes to a halt because it has to, or maybe it's just years of habit-this is when you get vulnerable and slow down, when you examine. I need some soul stillness, some wise old words to soothe, some repentance. I need to be covered under His wings.

In college on the rough Sundays I used to go the mountains by myself. Pack a sandwich, a book and some water and drive away. Sometimes I would hear better there. But this morning it's tripping over toys and a needy little guy pulling on my jeans and smiling his squinty smile, and Nicky with his Mommy? and he waits for me to answer because I've trained him to, with all my just a minutes. Oh, how I want him to not have to hide from me, to not burden him with my heaviness. So I try to get everyone ready, and I fail. It's too late to be anything resembling on time, and so I give it up, put the baby down for a nap, and re-heat my coffee.

It is good to give up sometimes. What is this really all about anyway? He will meet me anywhere, this constant friend. I read Psalm 121-I will lift up my eyes to the hills-From whence comes my help? Grace is lavished once again; help me exhale it.


He is my mountain today, my fresh air.

the monkeyboy

Friday afternoon began with a trip to the grocery store and then this:

and lots of fun playing until Nicky had his first big fall, from a slide. He was crying so hard, and trying to explain how he meant to jump from one part of the slide to another. A little girl brought him a cookie. We had a bag of frozen peas in the cooler, from our trip to the store earlier, so I wrapped it in a spare onesie and off to urgent care we went.

He said, "I'm just having a problem with this broken bone," so mournful. 

Silas busied himself with the drawers and such, and emptied out my purse about four times. But the wait was not long, and soon the investigation began.

He was a little excited about taking a picture of his bones, but mostly just bummed. Sure enough, two fractures.

A half cast, sling, medicine, and getting to tell Papa all about it made things better. 

Phew.

right now Silas is...

taking a nap :) And so I'm cleaning out the camera, looking at these cute shots from yesterday, while Nicky does some school worksheets. It seems a Silas post is in order; it's been awhile! So in a more general sense, Silas is....

• still working on those molars. Ouch.
• belly-laughing at big brother
• pointing at everything/everyone and saying Ba-ba?
• walking with help, but not on his own yet. That boy just loves to crawl. He does love to go for a little walk around the house every morning after getting his shoes on, and pushing things around.

• speaking of shoes, he loves to hold them up to his feet
• emptying out drawers, and putting things back in drawers. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
• doing cute little dances when music plays

• using Penny as a pillow (Nicky does too-look at her long-suffering face)
• giving kisses and head-butts (topes)
• mimicking hand motions to songs
• waving
• clapping and cheering for himself
• climbing
• doing this:

• wanting to be outside pretty much all the time

hopes for 2012

Today turned out to be an on-call day, so we had a lounge-y morning and went to church, ate some yummy green enchilada pizza, did some major organizing in the office (pretty much all Ricky, but I did give my opinions as I sat there drinking coffee), and played Trouble with the boy. The battle of the molars rages on, but Silas is at last sleeping peacefully. Now it's one more night with the Christmas tree and twinkle lights- just popping in to make my 2012 list official, then Ricky, the couch, Netflix and a big yellow blanket are calling my name. Good day.

My Hopes for 2012

• Become a foster parent, and who knows? maybe adopt. But probably not so soon. But maybe.
• Learn to use more of the features on my camera, also, invest in a good lense.
• Get brave and try skiing again. I had a bad fall and injury a few years back, and I've been too nervous to try again. But I really, really want the kids to learn, so we're going to go. 
• Start reading chapter books with Nicky (oh, I am so excited for this!)
• Pay off student loans. 
• Keep up a good work/life balance
• Read a book a month (open to suggestions)
• make a quilt out of the boys' worn out clothes, and other fabric scraps I have lying around
• be more intentional about spending time with friends
• learn to make artisan bread
• cultivate the habit of un-distracted listening
• and finally, my word for 2012: generous. 

Good night and a very happy 2012 to you!

lessons learned in 2011

One little bug is in bed, the other is watching soccer futbol in Spanish on the tele, by request. I have a gingerbread cake in the oven, the last hurrah of the holiday baking before we chill with the sugar and white flour for a while. Gearing up to work the next two days, so soon it will be a shower and bed for me as well.

these guys spent at least an hour in the tub tonight

I still get excited for a new year,with all its potential and clean slate-ness. I love doing the resolution thing, even though of course they don't all happen. I have some hopes for 2012, for sure (finalizing my list then I'll post it). But right now I want to be sure I spend some time looking back before we leave 2011 behind. I think the most important things I learned this year pertain to mothering, because really that's what I spent the majority of my time doing. Here are a few that stand out to me:

• they really do grow up fast, so sit still and just take it all in
• take notice of the little things; they are really the big things
• practicing intentional gratefulness is like working out-seems just as easy the first few times, but is just as hard to keep up consistently, and offers noticeable rewards
• listen for the whispers; they are there
• there is always time to slow down and laugh with my kids
• follow the bread crumbs and be honest about hard, scary things; it's the only way forward
• dream, and act.

I think grateful has been my word of the year. It's been such a focus and really changed some everyday things for me. In that spirit, I want to close out the year with giving thanks for the enormous gifts I'm surrounded by.

• Enough-enough food, enough water, enough heat, enough clothes, enough oxygen, enough transportation, enough for each day. Daily bread. 
• Words. Bloggers/writers, new and familiar, who inspire and educate me.
• My husband who is real and vulnerable and sturdy. 
• My children who need and who provide, so much of both.
• Community, shared tables, laughing at all the littles, telling stories, being blessed, giving hugs and promising to do it more often.

Happy New Year! I would love to hear what you learned in 2011.

Christmas in Austin

tamales, family, messy lights, doggies everywhere, a chilly walk, and unbridled joy on tiny tots' faces......my favorite things this year. 

secondhand smoke, teething, and other stuff

Saturday morning, having been summoned from my bed a little after six and still groggy, I made some popcorn. It was the fastest thing I could think of to feed the boys (and kind of Saturday morning-ish) and gave me a few minutes to drink some much-needed coffee. Really, the point of all that was that Nicky was eating it and started choking a little bit. So he coughed, and cleared out the offending piece of popcorn, and then said "must have been some secondhand smoke." And we laughed, and after that I was awake. I love that boy.

This week has been satisfyingly busy. Sunday I cleaned the whole house in preparation for the home-study, which was Monday, and wouldn't you know we sat on the couch doing my interview the entire time. I will never complain about a clean house though. I even organized some things I've been putting off. There's plenty of home-study to go, not to mention many other foster-care related things to get done, but it's really nice to have the ball rolling. I'm excited for what 2012 may hold.

Silas is getting molars. He is just all about the teeth, that baby. He's pretty fussy with all that going on, but right now happily distracted playing in big brother's room. He does a little happy dance in my arms every time I take him in there. I suppose they'll be sharing a room soon enough.

And, a few Penny pictures just because.

Maybe tonight Nicky can learn about emphysema. Good times.