Nicky the graduate

He chose spaghetti for his celebration dinner. Just him, Mommy and Papa.  He's been a champ about sharing our attention lately. I love how delighted he is over the little things--like getting to eat spaghetti and mac & cheese, and when the server brought him a pink lemonade.

His self portrait at school--I like how the pants are high-waters, because he was almost constantly growing out of his pants this year.

With buddies at his kindergarten graduation. These boys are hilarious. Future plans from left to right: ninja policeman, astronaut, and spy. Nicky said "I've never explored the moon and I'd like to know what it's like."

Hard to imagine they were timid on their first day!

The class of 2024.

I just can't get over what a special boy he is. Intelligent, meticulous, thoughtful, sweet, affectionate, oh-so-silly, sound-effect making, Gogurt-loving, endless question asking, creative, monkey-like in his climbing ability, absolutely wonderful Nicolas!

broken in

We've officially been "broken in" as a foster family (I typed "foster parents" first, but now I know this is a whole family deal.) We took care of a sweet two year old girl for the last five days. Not our first call, but the first one that's actually worked out! We knew very little about her home situation--only that she was the youngest of a sibling group, and that they were removed from the home because of neglect. We saw such a wide range of personality from her--quiet, subdued and a little stunned at first, then cautious but playful, then full of more grief than I've ever seen from someone that age, then silly, giggly, and a little bossy (she did her best to keep Silas in line--no easy task :) It was truly amazing watching her come out of her shell and slowly get more comfortable, although she pretty much never left my side unless she was sleeping. We mostly stayed at home, except for an outing to church and taking Nicky to and from school. I learned that having two toddlers at one time is a CHALLENGE. Wow. It was pretty non-stop, and when it did stop, I was either hurriedly folding laundry or sneaking out to go grocery shopping or falling asleep (usually falling asleep).

We finally got sand for our sandbox, and at first she cried when I put her feet in the sand. Soon, she was fighting for her right to shovel.

I feel like now I understand how hard this is. We can do it, but it's not going to be easy. It was heart-wrenching returning her to CYFD yesterday (she and her siblings are being placed with relatives). Even though I'm so glad she gets to be with them, and we knew that was the most probable outcome, it was still so, so hard. She started sobbing uncontrollably when she saw her family, and again I was overwhelmed by how much grief a two year old child can hold.

I keep going over little moments in my mind. I'll never forget how delighted she was to see herself in the mirror after I did her hair, or the sound of her laugh, or how she kept her sippy cup cradled under one arm at all times, how she kept track of Silas' shoes and brought Ricky his flip-flops to wear on Sunday morning, how she warmed up to Nicky right away. 

I fell in love with her. My heart is broken for her. I hope and pray life treats her well; that she gets a chance.

So now, we wait for the next call; a little sadder and wiser I suppose. 

white sands

A few weeks ago our small group went out to White Sands for the full moon night. This one was pretty cloudy, but we had a blast with the group and it was fun just being out and about. We're usually concerned about bedtimes and such; it's fun to blow that off once in awhile. Lots of silliness, snacks and good conversation while we shivered and waited for the moon to rise. It's been so good being part of a small group again; it's both stretching and comforting, and where a lot of "church" happens.

Anyway, my friend Crystal took some fun pictures and I thought I'd share:

and here's one I took of the sunset. What a gorgeous place.

right now Nicky is....

• using the word "recognize" a lot in conversation. As in, "Papa, did you recognize that I'm wearing a flip-flop on my head?" and the like. To which we always reply, "you better recognize."

• going into Silas' room in the morning; talking and singing to him. So yesterday he did this, as usual, but managed to get his leg stuck in the crib. When I went to rescue him, he said "I think this is a job for the fire department."

• reading really well! I need a plan to keep him reading this summer.

• about two seconds away from finishing kindergarten....

• asking lots of questions about God

• hoping to learn some more Taekwondo this summer

• occasionally using phrases like "I will never", as in "I will never drink chocolate milk again" or "i will never, ever try that avocado", etc. At which point we invite him to rephrase or go to time out...  

• into Power Rangers, Angry Birds (still), cuddling with Penny, drawing, spontaneously bursting into song, digging big holes in the dirt, and watching Wonder Pets with Silas (we pretend like it's just for Silas and Nicky's just doing him a favor), water guns, building Transformers 

• trying to figure out the art of telling a joke; cracking himself up 

• taking piano lessons once a week

• as wonderful and joyful as ever

igniting passion

I'm blogging through Kathy Escobar's fantastic series, Rebuilding after Deconstructing, in an effort to clarify some things for myself, to share my story, and to encourage forward motion. This is so not about whining or placing blame, or picking on any person or institution.  Just the story of God and me, up to now... abridged. 

See also Deconstruction, the wall and the journey inward: part I, the wall and the journey inward: part II, loss, what remains, what works, and celebrating the past

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about how to transition from the journey inward to the journey outward. It's so easy for me (probably for anyone) to get stuck in a place of constant self-examination and evolve toward narcissism rather than personal growth and giving back. I think I've been where I needed to be, and up until very recently, where I needed to be was on that inward journey. From what I can tell, the important thing is to pay attention to the stirrings in my soul--and for a little while now the stirrings have been calling me outward. I'm actually really excited about it--this is the fun part, right? I've had to dig through a lot of junk to get to this point, but I do believe I am finally getting somewhere. Whew.

I dream of a life where my passions and daily routines are intertwined. In some ways, I already have that. I've learned to be passionate about my family; to see my mothering as a ministry. I've learned to commune with God throughout my day, in the mundane, the exciting, the sweet, the tiresome. I'm learning to stop clutching onto my life; that to engage in the moment seems to create more time, but to cling to minutes and to-do lists (my default) is to lose the day swiftly and have nothing of substance to show for it. I'm learning to approach life more openly. All of those things are good, and I want more of the same.

There are some things I dream about, most of which I've been dreaming about for a long time:

• seeing my kids grow up in a spiritually, physically, and emotionally healthy home; setting an example of that myself
• midwifery, when the time is right
• giving comfort and quality care as a nurse
• growing our family through foster care and adoption
• cultivating a healthy marriage
• finding a way to translate personal growth into ministry (finding my niche in the church? or something outside of it? I don't know yet.)

The word "healthy" is in there a lot. For so much of my life, I haven't been internally healthy. I've been trying and failing to play a part that wasn't even super well-defined in my head; trying to understand a God I had placed in a box (and who was placed in a box for me.) So I absolutely had to deconstruct. It's funny, looking back on it now--of course I had to. Something had to change.

This part is about laying groundwork while maintaining the basics. For me the basics are prayer, honesty, evaluation and re-evaluation, kindness to self and others (basic is not synonymous with easy.) I feel a lot of potential energy, welling up and waiting for the right time to spring into action. I'm figuring out that I won't ever have it all together, but that's no reason to not pursue things I care about or to stop working on myself. Both matter, both are needed.

Each dream has it's time, but I can honestly say that everything on that list has a foundation in my life right now, to varying degrees. My marriage has gotten so much better over the last few years, because of some difficult conversations, some beautiful experiences, shared sorrow and joy, simple kindness, and a lot of intention from both of us. It's an ongoing process, and an amazing one! I see my kids growing up without un-necessary stress (so far) and fiercely want to preserve that. I hope our home remains a haven for them, always. Nursing is a small part of my week (just one day) but I try to give it 100% of my energy when I am there. Midwifery feels a way off still, but I did recently join a study group with an experienced midwife who is a wealth of knowledge, to, as she put it, "keep the dream alive." Foster care and adoption is right in front of us; the process could begin at any moment. The hows and whens are unknown, but it feels like the time for that dream is now. I really hope so. I feel "expectant" :)

And as far as ministry things go, that is pretty cloudy to me at this point. All I know is, I feel passionately that Christians need to be talking about their journeys in a way that is real, honest, and spacious. Having some sort of framework for this process has been so helpful for me. I would love to give people a safe space to ask their questions and share their hopes out loud (shaky voices and all), or even just have a way to be in the church if the songs or crowds or sermons are daunting because of where they are in their spiritual journey. If going to service is too much, maybe they could have a place to go that's a little safer, where someone is waiting to listen. Maybe it's a small group thing, maybe a Sunday morning thing, maybe even a blog thing-- I'm not sure. I would just like to cultivate that vision, to be there for my brothers and sisters that are wounded--not so much to offer my own wisdom although I'll gladly share my journey. Just to let them know they're not alone; that maybe God really is all they hope he is.

I like the idea of adding new passions to long-standing ones, as life happens. As I learn.

celebrating the past

I'm blogging through Kathy Escobar's fantastic series, Rebuilding after Deconstructing, in an effort to clarify some things for myself, to share my story, and to encourage forward motion. This is so not about whining or placing blame, or picking on any person or institution.  Just the story of God and me, up to now... abridged. 

See also Deconstruction, the wall and the journey inward: part I, the wall and the journey inward: part II, loss, what remains and what works.

Next up is Celebrating What Was and honestly, I've been stuck on this part for over a week, because I'm having a hard time writing about some things in my past without sounding like I'm bashing people. That's certainly not the point of this exercise. So, here we go again. Maybe I can say it right this time.

This part is all about looking at seasons of one's life that caused feelings of hurt, shame or maybe just embarrassment, and finding something to celebrate about each season. It's hard, because people are complicated and life is messy. I think the place to start is looking at my own progression. There are things I've said and done over the course of my life that are just plain embarrassing, but they're a reflection of where I was at the time and not my essential self.

The truth I keep coming back to is this: when I'm gentle with myself, I can be more gentle with others (insert whatever word necessary: patient, kind, etc....) I've been able to let go of a ton of burdensome, poisonous, grudgy junk because of that truth.

So I look back over my entire journey, and ask--how does God see it? I think he sees the big picture. Where I've been, where I'm headed. Just that thought covers everything with peace and takes my anxiety away. I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that God redeems.

Because of hard times in my life, I have gained

• insight into human nature 
• a backbone (I'm a little more aware of manipulative techniques now I think)
• knowledge about myself, how I respond to different situations, what my "deal-breakers" are, what my true joys are
• the ability to put up needed boundaries
• gratefulness for genuine friendship
• an ability to be myself and let go of the constant need for approval (a work in progress)
• the ability to say NO

Those are the biggies I think. Letting go is beautiful and so freeing. On to better things, carrying the lessons of the past with me like the treasures that they are.

words for today

I'm not sure why it always flows downhill

why broken cisterns never could stay filled

I've spent ten years singing gravity away

but the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out

with every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt

I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away

but the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows

I try to find a cure for pain

Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do

it would be a lie to run away

-Jon Foreman, The Cure for Pain

-------------

  

Pick up any language by the scruff of its neck,   

wipe its face, set it down on the lawn,   

and I bet it will toddle right into the godfire   

again, which—though they say it doesn't   

exist—can send you straight to the burn unit.   

Oh, we have only so many words to think with.   

Say God's not fire, say anything, say God's   

a phone, maybe. You know you didn't order a phone,   

but there it is. It rings. You don't know who it could be.   

You don't want to talk, so you pull out   

the plug. It rings. You smash it with a hammer   

till it bleeds springs and coils and clobbery   

metal bits. It rings again. You pick it up   

and a voice you love whispers hello

-Jeanne Murray Walker, Staying Power