a lot of new for Nicky

Today was Nicky's first day of first grade.

To commemorate this event, we had our (now annual) back to school dinner last night.

This year's theme: Build Each Other Up. A goal for the whole family. And yes, this setup was demolished promptly once Silas was released from the boys' room where Ricky was keeping them hostage while I threw it all together.

This boy is in a building phase for sure. He made three robots and a carwash with a fancy tower. There's some deep spiritual significance there I'm sure.

Seriously though, we'll be working on being more intentionally encouraging of each other this year. I'm intentional about plenty of things because I want my life to look a certain way; because I want my kids to have certain experiences and I want my marriage to be good. But--things can change so quickly right now. What I want them to remember is not that things were perfect or that we always did this or that--but that there was love and kindness intertwined in all of it. And Nicky is a natural encourager, so I really want to run with that. Really, most days I just want to be more like him. 

I thought it would be fun to build our own pizzas and fruit salad in keeping with the theme. And it was, but we were super hungry by the time it was ready. That's why Ricky has his rally face on, and Silas is just going for it.

I had a little game planned but the interactive dinner turned out to be all we could manage before the babies started melting down (Little Miss played on her mat just long enough for us to eat, which was kind of amazing for her). So, we skipped it and went straight to baths.

Nicky's starting a new school this year, out where Ricky works. It feels like we're leaving a safe, warm cocoon--that's what kindergarten was. He had the kindest, most patient teacher imaginable. So, Ricky and I were a bit nervous this morning as we got everyone ready and headed out. I managed to get a few pics before we left:

                         

Our friend describes it as "a little school right out of the 1950's". Definitely has that vibe to it. We've heard nothing but good things so far, and I really like that he's going to school with such a diverse group of kids.
I think he'll learn a good deal there.

We found everyone outside. I think we were much more nervous that he was--he ran off to play and then lined up like a pro, smiling and carefree as ever. 

He was happy and jumpy and full of things to say when we picked him up. I breathed a sigh of relief and listened to his stories. It was a good first day.

a last minute vacation

Last week we packed up all three littles and drove to central Texas. Yes, in August. I was dreaming of some summer fun before the start of school and needing a break from the everyday stuff, and we all wanted to meet our sweet new niece Emma and see family. As is usually the case, when you have littles it's important to be flexible....especially in ridiculous heat! Overall, I'm glad we went. We came back exhausted and a little sick, and Little Miss is out of sorts and in need of a routine again. But--the boys spent so much time together, and we all had to work to make it work in a tight space for so many hours (we are dreaming of a minivan.....how times have changed ;) The iPad saved the day on many occasions; wedged between the two front seats, with Curious George playing over and over (and don't you know the boys watched it again the morning after we got back....guess they don't have it memorized quite yet). Indoor play-places helped too, and lots of rallying the troops by Mommy and Papa. I would just like to say that Ricky is awesome. I couldn't ask for a better parenting partner. When he rallies, I can rally, and vice versa. That is a powerful thing.

Moments from the trip:

watching these guys together

staying in downtown San Antonio, walking to the Alamo (Ricky the Texan had never been), finding the best climbing tree ever (off limits, too bad) 

(this is Ricky's rally face)

both of us wearing sundresses (yes, I'm letting myself enjoy having a girl :)

the Riverwalk. We enjoyed walking here, and planned what we thought would be a fun lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. Total disaster. I had to walk Silas around most of the time, and Little Miss was fussy, and Nicky said later "it was kind of creepy." $63 for the lunch from hell, folks. We even have two souvenir glasses to remember it by. Lesson: slightly creepy blinking jungle animals, simulated thunder, and a forty minute wait do not help kids who are already exhausted by humidity. Got it :)

It was nice to be just a few blocks away, though. We recharged with naps and swimming, and did some more walking around in the evening. 

 I tried taking Little Miss in the pool and she wasn't having it. So we hung out by the side of the pool and watched the boys and she gave me the best smile ever. Wish I could show it here. I can honestly say that in that moment, I was filled with hope and gratitude. I want to be her biggest cheerleader.

We went to Sea World. It was very hot. There was a splash pad. Thank you Jesus.

I loved watching Nicky's face during the shows, and feeding sea lions, and Silas watching the otters. Nicky said he wanted to see the show where the dolphins team up and kill the hammerhead shark. Thank you, Netflix and the movie Flipper for that one. We had a pretty nice Panera Bread picnic outside on a shady, grassy spot. We've pretty much decided picnics are the way to go with this bunch.

We drove our sweaty selves to Austin at the end of the day, and let the A/C work its magic. Ricky's sister and brother-in-law were so kind to let us descend on their house with our sweaty, exhausted crew. They fed us some amazing burgers too, and even retrieved barbecue from Salt Lick (an Austin must).

We got to know sweet Emma too. Good thing Silas has had lots of practice being gentle lately. I'm so excited for the boys to have a new little cousin.

We had a fun afternoon in downtown Austin doing indoor things--the Austin Children's Museum and frozen yogurt. Absolutely all we had energy for--it was perfect.

We had to ditch our plans to go up to Dallas and see friends; it became increasingly apparent that it was just too much. So we made the sad but wise decision to go home a day early. We drove to Fredericksburg, swam some more,  had a "hotel picnic", complete with Olympics and some Food Network of course, and got some sleep.

Who knew a German Texas town could make the best Margherita pizza ever? Paired with German wine, not bad at all :) We had a stolen moment after the kiddos were asleep. Did I mention I love this guy?

It is good to be home. We're feeling inspired to start up new routines and do some things more intentionally. School starts in a few days...

how to be

The question keeps me up at night lately: how to be a Christian? How to really follow Christ? So many all around me are acting like it's an easy thing, with a clear path to follow. I don't know. What would He do? That statement, less a popular bracelet and more a wrestling of the soul, keeps me up at night.

Church sometimes smothers His voice, but sometimes I still hear it there.

Numbness is a short-term solution, but then I return to the Good News, like a magnet drawn back. Where else would I go?

These culture wars make me want to chuck away all the obvious stuff, all the church going and right-stuff saying--communes start to look mighty good. Running away, always so appealing.

Maybe I'll just set up a stand, with a sign that says "Free Listening. No Advice, Promise." We could even bow our knees together, in need and gratitude.

Can any change come from the inside? Or do I need to find others who think like I do? A cause I can really get behind, body and soul? An end to the exhaustion, the constant fight against criticism....

I don't know.

balance

It's 9:18 in the morning. I've come to dread the mid-morning hours lately. It's usually when Little Miss is falling apart, needing a nap but of course she doesn't know that. So I rock and sway, and shush-shush-shush and make my figure eights (to help her cerebellum develop, my friend tells me. All these things we instinctively do with babies have a purpose). But, today, look! Maybe I was less tense and frustrated, and she could feel that and so she just went to sleep instead of fighting so, so hard. And my boys are shirtless, eating popcorn and doing Sunday morning things (inside, outside, building robots, watching the mesmerizing Pingu on Neflix and leaning back on Penny). I am filled with love and new energy.

Life is very one-day-at-a-time right now, and I'm getting to be okay with that. A few days a week, I'm at work--getting to do amazing things like teach about breastfeeding and wheel families out of the hospital with their new little person. Other days, it's taking care of an elderly woman after a heart cath or making sure my patient who's withdrawing for the fifteenth time has what she needs and doesn't harm herself. It's twelve hours of safeguarding. Some days it's a break to be there.

But then I love being here too. It's taken time to figure out this new rhythm--for a while there I entertained the thought of just quitting my job for a season. And, if that need became apparent I would do it easily. But I've realized that it might be a sanity-saver for me--I go out, challenge myself in a different way than I'm challenged here, and it helps. I love coming home to everyone, all happy and ragged from their Papa day--and his eyes are so tired and we both get it. We're closer for it.

The home days are slow to get going, and I start off with a long to-do list and then have to prioritize as the day goes on--and even so I'm folding laundry after the kids are all asleep. The trick is the same as it's always been--stop and enjoy the gift of another glimpse into childhood. Squeeze in the chores where I can. Lower my expectations. Remember Ann Voskamp's words: life is not an emergency; it's a gift.

............

Here are some pictures of the nursery we put together just a few weeks before Little Miss came to stay with us. I'm still adding touches here and there, but I'm so glad it was mostly done before she came. Needless to say, it was fun. Spray paint and hot glue are my friends.

three weeks

Tomorrow it will be three weeks that Little Miss has been with us. We found out yesterday that her mother is waiving custody for the time being (nothing permanent at this point), so she will be with us, but we still don't know for how long. It is difficult not knowing; as is predictable we are bonding with her and making space for her in our daily routine and in our hearts.

So, this post doesn't have too much of a point but here are some random happenings:

The summer rainy season has begun. Next to fall, this is probably my favorite time of year. Such a relief from the June heat. I caught Silas playing in the rain a few days ago and took video, but he was naked so that's not appropriate for the internet I guess. Too bad; it was super cute.

This is kind of a difficult age. He's all sweetness and then screeching and swatting and throwing himself down. But so, so curious. He loves big shoes and watering plants (and concrete) and basically doing whatever I'm doing. He goes to time-out now, and when he gets out puckers up his lips to say he's ready to be nice again. He repeats everything, and he has a complicated friendship/rivalry with a Bassett Hound that mainly revolves around the sharing or witholding of food. He still drinks his milk bottle in the morning and at bedtime, with his finger in his belly button. He says "mas?" in his raspy, lispy way about a hundred times a day, and he would eat otter pops constantly if I let him. He pats his diaper and says "pee pee pee poop poop poop" when it needs to be changed, or when he's trying to stall at naptime. Nineteen months. He looks enormous next to the baby. But he's still a baby too, with lashes and cheeks and curls that slay me.

Nicky has been at his Grandma's house (my mom's) for almost two weeks. It was going to be for one week, but then his cousins were staying for two, so. I'm so ready to hug that boy and bring him home. And, selfishly, ready for him to entertain Mr. Silas a bit. There are trees to climb and sprinklers, a sandbox, a horse, goat, chickens, and three cousins to keep him busy for a few more days though. Silas likes to look at pictures of "Ditty" and points to the front door asking for him sometimes.

Life with Little Miss is challenging but good. The lack of sleep catches up with us sometimes, not to mention the exhausting nature of the situation. But as we learn more about her, we feel more for her. She's been through a lot in her short life, and will have some challenges ahead. I feel lost in this sometimes. But there are resources available and I'm resolved to take advantage of pretty much whatever I can. And pray more. And choose to go to bed early more often.

She's still fussy, but not like she was. She's more awake and alert these days. And she smiles at us--oh how that helps. She's not hating tummy time quite so much now, and she's getting stronger. Every day there are little victories along with the frustrations. Just like with any infant I suppose. She's a tiny fighter.

His mercies are new every morning. I really need that these days.

needy

"Thank you for being so wonderful", Ricky said to me, kissing me goodbye and packing up for work today. I love that he still heads out the door with a backpack. I say exactly what I'm thinking, which is "You're wonderful. I'm not wonderful. I'm just grumpy." Last night was a long game of musical beds: I caught some sleep sitting up in bed with Little Miss, snoozed next to Silas in his bed after carrying him back to it, and was then closing my eyes for long intervals while we talked. He re-heated my lukewarm coffee and handed it back to me, that sweet man of mine.

I need him; I do.

june in pictures