This morning I was supposed to go to work, but at 0520 learned I would be on-call. It's been an abnormally slow winter, and on top of that I scheduled myself sparely around the holidays, and on top of that The Sickness took over our house, so it's been some time since I've been in. Still, I won't complain about a stolen Saturday.
We very much have a family bed by the wee hours of the morning. Only Little Miss prefers her own bed, for now anyway. So I took some time to just listen to their breathing, and smiled in the dark as Silas and Nicky took turns throwing their arms up, stretching, turning, and breathing back into a pattern. Moments when I can think beyond being tired and just enjoy their presence: what a treasure.
To listen to their breathing, notice the curvature of their faces, tuck them in again, to say yes to going outside, to say yes more in general: all good decisions. Expand, make yourself small, then find yourself again. It's an odd but beautiful daily lesson.
Enjoy. There are days when I have to fight to fit the word in, somehow. That's my goal though. Not only the fight, but the long attempt to change my thinking. Life is beautiful, and oh so hard, when you have these melancholy tendencies. When you go easily to the dark side, I like to say and laugh, but oh---it is dark. Sludgy, tedious.
Distance is a daunting thing to me lately. How am I going to get there? When I used to run, a coach once gave me some excellent advice. He said that when you get tired and want to slow down, pick up your feet. Smaller, quicker steps can help you to keep going, and you may even go faster. So I'm trying to stop thinking about the distance and keep looking around, keep giving thanks, and just pick up my feet. The idea is not to strive endlessly I suppose, but to make small, love-filled choices and one day realize you've gotten somewhere.