Thursday, November 29, 2012

scattered

On Tuesday I spent most of the day with a feverish toddler draped over me. We lay on the couch and watched Brave about three times, along with old episodes of Friday Night Lights and several renditions of I Like to Move It on YouTube which, unfortunately, is a frequently requested song around here. He coughed hard enough to throw up several times. Sick days are sweet though, in a way: Silas is not normally so cuddly, and it's nice to lay around and still feel like you're doing something important. In the evening, his temperature spiked up to 104, and the possibility of going to the ED loomed its ugly head. It came down with Tylenol and wet hair and a cold washcloth though, and so we stayed home.

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I can tell when I'm in need of some quiet, to-myself time, because I start to get angry with my kids for taking my time. It's Wednesday evening, and Ricky took the two little ones out to pick up some dinner, after having quite the long day himself. I'm not finding the right kind of food for my soul, these days; which is another way of saying I can't seem to write or pray. I wish it were truly possible to forget about yourself.

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I got an email yesterday with a video attached to it. I should have known better but I watched it anyway. If you don't see Merry Christmas in the window, you walk right by the store, a woman sang cheerily, with children's voices accompanying her. I say I should have known better because these types of things send me into a tailspin, reinforcing nagging voices that I'd rather ignore in favor of focusing on love and justice. I get so angry at the Christian subculture that promotes such distracting fluff. Then I want to write an angry sarcastic response, then I want to write a thoughtful response, and then I just sort of shrug my shoulders and decide the best way to worship in the midst of all this is just to try to be kind.

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I lay down with Silas after lunch, on the big bed, and he played with his stuffed horse while I took an accidental nap. His galloping noises woke me up. I don't think he slept, but he stayed on the bed next to me, and so when I woke up we moved on to the next thing together.

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